Archive - May 26, 2004

The Hummer People

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Memo to the fine people at Hummer: YOU ARE DUMB.

I am trying to figure out exactly how this works. I mean, you've already firmly established the Hummer H2 as a crime against humanity of the first order. We get that. And this is aside from the whole seven miles per gallon thing, which is an entirely separate obscenity.

Big, boxy, ugly, gratuitious, excessive, pointless. We know. American Assholery imbued into every weld. But it seems, somehow, that wasn't enough?

H2 owners are capital A assholes. It's a magical, 100% correlation. If you drive an H2, you're an asshole. If you don't like that, tough. That's how it works. You're a self-selecting set. You're drawn to the H2 through some sort of... if you'll pardon the unpleasant term... asshole pheromones.

If you KNOW someone who drives an H2, they're an asshole, and you have to accept that and stop making excuses for them. There is no explanation for owning a Hummer that does not also apply to some other vehicle. Some other vehicle that costs less or gets nine miles per gallon. When Plymouth Aztek owners are looking at you and thinking "Man, what an asshole", there's SOMETHING WRONG.

But this is all preaching to the choir. And worse, it's an old sermon we've all memorized. Hummers. Schwarzenegger. Assholes. Earth-rapers. It's so obviously evil that even the fine people at the Hummer corporation must have figured we were getting tired of the whole thing.

Maybe there's some kind of Big Scoreboard for these fuckers. Like on a secret website or something. A place where the Richard Perles and the guy who made the H2 and Ariel Sharon and Zell Miller and all these bastards can check in and see, in relative terms, how much they're ruining things for the rest of us. And the Hummer guy, whose name I can't be bothered to Google up beyond a half-assed attempt at "Hummer CEO", which gives me all the hits for a venture capital firm and none for the car company, so he will henceforth be referred to as Hummer Guy, and Hummer Guy checks the super-secret website, and finde that he's about to be overtaken by Donald Rumsfeld, and he calls the marketing department, and in some arcane, lost language of the damned, conveys certain instructions.

And as a result of these instructions, animators are hired, footage is filmed, a 30 second ad is produced, time for that ad is purchased on a cable station, possibly the Food Network, although my memory is hazy for reasons that will soon become apparent, and I watch the ad, because for the first 20 seconds of the ad, you don't know what it's an ad for, and in the last ten seconds, you find out it's for the Hummer H2, and that's when your skull explodes and your brain flies out of your shattered skull and it gets caught in the ceiling fan and it whirs around and around and around and that's why I'm not sure what channel the ad aired on.

Because the first 20 seconds of an ad is a game of Asteroids. Just a game of Asteroids. The beloved 80's game we all know and love and have bought in various and sundry updates and classics packs over the years. Or at least I have. So there's 20 seconds of an Asteroids game, and then this white outline of what I was shortly to learn was a Hummer H2 comes on the screen with the UFO sound effects, and the Asteroids ship tries to shoot the Hummer, and the bullets bounce off, and the Asteroids ship runs away from the Hummer, and then we see some footage of some asshole driving his asshole truck down some asshole road somewhere in beautiful, scenic, Asshole, AH.

All advertising sends a message. And this ad very obviously sent the message that BRYAN LAMBERT DOESN'T HATE HUMMERS ENOUGH. Well, mission accomplished. You know, they really are assholes.