Archive - Mar 31, 2004
Stuff I\'ve Said Was Dumb Before
31 March, 2004 - 10:40 — Bryan Lambert
Some updates today on past DUMB entries, to show that they're STILL DUMB.
"It's putting us into new places in the stores. We're now showing up in the better-for-you section." - Mark Singleton, Sales VP, Rudolph Foods. Rudolph Foods makes PORK RINDS. Rudolph Foods has seen their sales jump 22% since they proudly proclaimed "Zero Carbs!" on their bags of PORK RINDS. Deep-fried pig skin is now health food. I hope you're all happy.
""I've never seen nothing like this." - Rhea County Attorney Gary Fritts, describing the uproar over the quickly-overturned plan by Rhea County commissioners to try to charge homosexuals with crimes against nature. It's nice to know that the guy they turned to for a legal opinion on kicking gays out of the county has such a fine grasp of the English language.
"The vote came at the opening of the third round of a constitutional convention on the contentious issue, as competing cries of 'Jesus Christ' and 'Equal Rights' shook the Statehouse outside the legislative chamber." - From a wire service article about the Massachussetts legislature approving a gay-marriage ban. I can't think of a better, more compelling image encapsulating everything I wrote about gay marriage last month, and everything I wrote about political discourse a few days ago, than two crowds of people shouting that at each other.
Something I did not know at the time: Altovis, which is to Google searchers as chum is to sharks, is made by the same company that makes Enzyte, the magical dick-lengthening herbal pill with the smiling racist retard for a mascot. I don't know if I'm happy that only ONE company is that evil, or concerned that one company is THAT EVIL. But I bet we'll be hearing from them again.
"The vindictive Clarke has now had his revenge, but what kind of hell has he, his CBS publisher, and his ax-to-grind advocates unleashed? It's obvious to me that this country is rapidly dividing itself into two camps -- the wimps and the warriors. The ones who want to argue and assess and appease, and the ones who want to carry this fight to our enemies and kill them before they kill us." - Which right-wing nutjob said this? Yes, it's DEMOCRAT ZELL MILLER, who went on the Senate floor and actually claimed that the work of the 9/11 commission would "energize our enemies and demoralize our troops". You know, Zell, when you start to make Ann Coulter look like a moderate, maybe it's time to retire, rethink, and refill your meds.
Oh, and the AP gave the news story on Miller's speech the headline "Senator worries about 9/11 dispute", which is kind of like writing a story in which four hundred people are simultaneously decapitated the headline of "Incident at train station causes boo-boos for many."
And while we're on the subject of Zell Miller, who, as you may recall, was originally inducted for railing against that "rap crap" (every time I have to type that, it hurts), I'd hate to leave you with the impression that he's the only old white conservative with a tendency to overreact when it comes to hip-hop. Case in point, World Net Daily's Joseph Farah.
In fact, let's turn it into a game.What hardcore, ultraviolent gangsa rapper or group appeared at a Democratic fundraiser, prompting this response from Farah? "Many parents across America are struggling to figure out ways to protect their children from the effects of a corrosive and pervasive pop culture that promotes death, drugs, violence and sex. Apparently the Democratic Party is not concerned with any of that. It is more concerned with courting the votes and support of mindless, programmed, amoral automatons who look up to performers like...
The answer is... OUTKAST. If you know why that's funny, then you're laughing your ass off right now, and if you don't know why that's funny, just trust that it is and I'll explain it to you later, Dad.
Finally: tomorrow is April Fools Day. That means that the 1% of the Internet that was not lying to you already is GOING TO LIE TO YOU. Except here. We at You Are Dumb Dot Net do not truck with April Fools Day, as it implies that there are no fools the other three hundred and sixty five days of the year. And we know that's not true, don't we.