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You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Mar 26, 2004
Memo to Gluttons For Punishment: YOU ARE DUMB.
What, do you enjoy this? Is this some kind of Southern S&M thing? Do you secretly thrill at the words of anger from us Northerners? You're like some kind of coprophilic dog who keeps pooping on the carpet because he gets off on having his nose rubbed in it.
I mean, I look over at Tennessee for a few minutes, and all of a sudden Georgia, who tried to get rid of the word "evolution" a month or so back, is now trying to ban genital piercings. But only for women.
Can you people not be left alone for one second without fucking things up? Is all the mercury in the water bringing out everyone's latent tightass qualities simultaneously? Has something emboldened public officials, and if so, what, and can we find it and kill it?
See, what apparently happened is that the Georgia House of Representatives was pondering a bill banning involuntary female genital mutilation. Now, I don't know how big a problem female genital mutilation is in Georgia, but let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say that the problem was absolutely rampant, and if the legislature hadn't acted when they did, there wouldn't be a functioning clitoris in the Atlanta city limits by the end of the decade. I do not have a particular problem with banning the harmful rituals of a superstitious group of people, even if I'm also sure that a vast majority of GA's legislators wouldn't treat their own superstitions equally.
But then Rep. Bill Heath tacked on an amendment adding "piercing" to the list of outlawed female genital mutilations. And the whole thing passed the House unanimously. UNANIMOUSLY. Not one member of the Georgia House of Representatives thought this might be a bad thing. Not one member noted that after this law, the Prince Albert would still be perfectly legal. Nobody.
I need to quote from the Associated Press here, because they have captured a pristine moment of cluelessness and deserve the credit. Amendment sponsor Rep. Bill Heath, R-Bremen, was slack-jawed when told after the vote that some adults seek the piercings. "What? I've never seen such a thing," Heath said. "I, uh, I wouldn't approve of anyone doing it. I don't think that's an appropriate thing to be doing."
How are these people even getting on ballots? Do the state parties actively search under rocks and in hermit caves for their candidates? I am not a huge fan of the metal-filled hole in one's junk, but I have, on occasion, heard that it happens. What else doesn't Bill Heath know about, and how long before he bans it?
This, like Ryan County's gayhate, is one of those things that'll get national play, everyone will point and laugh, and the amendment won't become law. But the astonishing fact remains - ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY elected lawmakers in the state of Georgia passed this bill, complete with amendment, without any debate.
If anything should be criminal, this kind of mental mutilation ought to be. Voting for this amendment should be an impeachable offense, and Georgia should be forced to replace its entire legislature. In fact, as a gesture of outreach, the new legislature should be made up ENTIRELY of people with genital piercings. In fact, they can just switch places. All the genitally-pierced can go to the legislature, and all the legislators can be forced to work for Hot Topic at minimum wage. Once the guys that operate the metal detectors at the Capitol building are retrained, it becomes a win-win for Georgia, for the South, and for the nation as a whole.
Plus, these fuckbrains probably can't work an electronic cash register worth a damn, so every time I'm in Georgia, I'll be able to get me a bunch of T-shirts for cheap. BONUS.