You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Mar 1, 2004
Memo to anyone who opposes anything other than full, nationwide recognition of gay marriage: YOU ARE DUMB.
In fact, you're more than dumb. You're so dumb that I'm considering coming up with a whole new word for how dumb you are, because none of the existing ones are really accurate. And then I'd register www.youare[thatword].net and start a whole new site just so I could spend every single day telling you how.... gigaretardosupreme you are. Or whatever.
This goes for all of you. Starting back with everyone who voted for the Defense of Marriage Act, through George W. Bush and his constitutional amendment, the Massachusetts legislature, their amendment, John Kerry, Howard Dean, all the way up to anyone who thinks "civil unions" are dandy and "marriage" isn't.
You are idiots. Morons. You have dung where your frontal lobes should go, feces where your medulla oblongata should be, and shit EVERYWHERE IN BETWEEN. You are wrong, and even in my most cynical, darkest, most despairing moments at the overall level of mental incompetence in this country, I know that history will prove you wrong, and your stance will be mocked and ridiculed by future generations. Even the dumb ones.
And you will be proven wrong, and mocked, because unlike virtually every other controversial issue dividing the country today, opponents of government-recognized gay marriage have a sum total of zero rational arguments against it. None. Zilch. You've got nothing. And you know you've got nothing, because if you had something, you'd be using it instead of non-stop turdly braying. And you're not. I've been watching.
"God says so" is not a rational argument. "The Bible says so" is not a rational argument. "It's always been this way" is not a rational argument. "It will damage the institution of marriage" would be a rational argument, but only if someone, somewhere, anywhere, had proposed an actual mechanism by which this might happen, and guess what? They haven't. "Marriage exists for procreation" would be a rational argument if it weren't patently and demonstrably false.
"This will lead to recognizing polygamy" is not a rational argument. It skirts the realm of possibility, yes. It casts longing looks across the room at feasibility, thinks about asking it to dance, but then chickens out. And even if it -were- rational, then we run into the problem of finding rational reasons not to recognize polygamy, and we GOTO 10.
"This will lead to recognizing man/beast marriages" is not only irrational, but I'm convinced is actually a test, planted by aliens, to see who they can morally harvest for food based on who agrees with it. Keep that in mind, fundies. Scream all you want about a piece of paper being handed to two 60-year-old lesbians in San Francisco. Quote Leviticus until you're blue in the balls. Just don't come crying to me when Zorbak of Nebula Eighteen is rubbing down your cavity with cumin and lemon zest. You have only yourselves to blame.
At least the fundies back their complete lack of cognition with a purity of conviction that I can recognize. Not respect in any way, shape or form, no, but at least recognize. You "civil union" motherfuckers, though... you can just follow them off the fucking cliff. Weak-livered, spineless politicians so afraid of taking a stand that they'll espouse a position that is, in essence, pathologically psychotic in order to appease the masses. Every last one of 'em should have a battery pack hooked to their spine so that whenever they have the unmitigated gall to refer to themselves as "leaders", they get a couple hundred volts straight into the vomit control center of the brain.
Listen up, monkeys. When it comes to the government, "marriage" and "civil union" are synonyms. They are semantically equal. When the government issues you a marriage license, it is civilly recognizing your union. In the English language, there is a word for the government's civil recognition of a union, and that word is "marriage". It does not matter that the word ALSO means the religious recognition of a union, in much the same way that it does not matter that "bread" means "money" when you are making a fucking sandwich. Anyone who says they are for civil unions and against gay marriage are, in essence, openly admitting that they reject logic, reason, and the very meanings of words in their native language. And they want to RUN THINGS.
Fuck your tradition. Fuck your god. Fuck your constituents. Fuck even remotely paying lip service to self-contradictory insanity out of the fear of upsetting people. And fuck the hundreds of millions of high horses it takes for you all to ride in on. YOU ARE DUMB.