Archive - Dec 9, 2004

Spastic Topic Monkey... Thursday?

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It's been a while since I've mentioned Lisa Wright, hasn't it? But she's STILL DUMB.

Precis for new readers - Lisa Wright is a morning DJ on a Minneapolis 80's radio station. The one I wake up to in the morning. Because Minneapolis Radio sucks, because news and classical don't wake me up, and because hideous beeping noises wake me up with so much excess hate and rage that I'd have to start a second website. LIsa Wright is also an idiot.

This morning, Lisa Wright was discussing Barbara Walters' most fascinating people of 2004. Of which there were ten, but only four were discussed on the radio - Oprah Winfrey, Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, and the super-secret #1 pick. Wright then proceeded to embarass herself more than usual. First, by making fun of Barbara Walters accent slash speech impediment, calling her "Baba Wawa". Which, as a comedy touchstone, is five years too old for an 80's RETRO STATION. Whatever hole she pulled that out of was covered with a thick stone block with warnings of a curse carved into it. I know you can't qualify as a morning DJ without the uncanny ability to fail at every single joke they attempt, but, BABA FUCKING WAWA?

Then she proceeded to make fun of Trump's new fiancee as a golddigger while simultaneously saying she'd do the same thing, proving once again that Lisa Wright is to feminism what strychnine is to cuisine. But then it was time to "reveal" Walters' already-revealed #1 pick, Karl Rove, and Wright was SHOCKED.

"I thought it would be Britney Spears, or Barry Bonds."* Yes, Lisa. How could the guy who masterminded the last two presidential elections be more fascinating than the woman who had "Toxic" written for her? Britney and Barry are both famous this year for one reason - sticking things in 'em that they shouldn't have. And despite Paris Hilton's inclusion on Walters' list, that does NOT in fact make someone "fascinating".


It's gotta suck to be Donald Rumsfeld right now. Publicly shamed and embarassed by a grunt at a photo op, and having to put a brave face on it for at least four days until everyone, including the media, forgets who Sgt. Thomas Wilson Is and the government can safely toss him into Gitmo and stick electrodes to his scrotum.

But until that sweet, sweet day comes, again, next Tuesday or Wednesday, Rumsfeld's gotta suck it up and say nice things about how "healthy" it is for the troops to question him about why they're digging through junkyards for scrap-metal armor. He's gotta smile and be nice and talk about improving the problems. He's gotta live with his weak-ass answer about "the Army we have" being replayed ad infinitum, and hope that a whole bunch of people don't make the connection that he's the one responsible for the condition of the Army we have. And whatever he does, he has to make sure he doesn't say anything that sounds like a vaguely ominous threat of reprisals. It's ALPHA QUEBEC TANGO!

"I don't know what the facts are, but somebody is certainly going to sit down with him and find out what he knows that they may not know." - Donald Rumsfeld, today. Oops. Reports that Rumsfeld found Wilson's lack of faith... disturbing were unconfirmed as of press time.


At the risk of sounding very 1998, America Online can continue to go fuck itself. Admittedly, they're not the blight on the Internet they were six, seven years ago, back when AOL was the major conduit for stupid fucks making it on to the Internet. Now you can barely exchange a packet over a network without it brushing up against some idiot's e-mailed Flash cartoon about a transvestite Republican penguin.

But running ads claiming to "make the Internet better"? Please. Animated emoticons do not make the Internet better. Taking all the porn out of it does not make the Internet better. Giving people anti-virus software doesn't make the Internet better. You'd think it might, but if it weren't for rampant viruses culling the herd by making their computers spontaneously combust, the net would have 30% more dipshits by weight than we do already. You don't take away a species' only natural predator without horrible environmental results.

On its home page, AOL has a link that people can click on. Clicking on this link runs software that checks the clicker's PC to tell this person if they have AOL installed ON THEIR OWN PC. Anyone who needs to be told this is not going to make the Internet better, no matter how many housewives stand on boardroom tables.

* All Lisa Wright quotes in You Are Dumb are, by necessity, rough approximations, as they are heard in the blurry, pre-morning haze and then written down 60-90 minutes later. The essential spirit is there, though. Those were the names.