Archive - Dec 2004
The Fifty Hates
31 December, 2004 - 01:03 — Bryan Lambert
And so, 2004 and the first year of YAD comes to a close. Two hundred and thirty six columns. Even knowing how many days there are in a year, two hundred and thirty six seems like a lot. Yet my work has just begun.
Many moons ago, I had the idea of the Map Of The Fifty Hates, a US map showing just where my wrath has fallen. So, to celebrate YAD's first year, I went ahead and took a whack at it. I make no assertions as to its absolute accuracy, my methods were both painstaking and crude. But they'll give you a pretty good idea. I was harshest on my home state, but, you know. I live here. I have to deal with its stupidity first-hand. Plus, our governor is a fuckhead, and so is at least one of our senators.
So here you are, the annotated Map of the Fifty Hates.
ALABAMA: Homophobia, racism
CALIFORNIA*: Dihydrogen Monoxide hoax, Schwarzenegger, terror-panicked LA mayor, erototoxins
COLORADO: Rabid pro-life Catholics, BULLDOZER RAMPAGE!, Creationist tour guide
FLORIDA: Low-carb potato, Creationist dinosaur park
GEORGIA: Creationists (2), banning genital piercings, Zell Miller
ILLINOIS: Senator Jack Ryan, Alan Keyes (4), Pledge of Allegiance poster, another politician, crossdressing kiddies
IOWA: Used as punchline once, taco hurler
KENTUCKY: Burning ice cream, Jim Bunning Senate race (3)
LOUISIANA: PIGFUCKING! Also, the Magical Bathroom Cross
MARYLAND: Suing Wal-Mart over Evanescence
MICHIGAN: Stupid article about "Friends", "four more years", undecided voter
MINNESOTA: Taxpayer's League, Ten Commandments, Mark Dayton, Rich Stanek, Tim Pawlenty (2), the Star-Tribune Variety section, the State Fair, the Homer Hankie, Mark Kennedy, Norm Coleman, Mankato bumper stickers, guy in line, chick in line, guy in line, Paul Douglas, Ushers of the Eucharist, gas protests, asshole who wrote a letter (2), smoking bans, IKEA, and Lisa Wright (2). And probably about a dozen more
MISSOURI: Rep. Tom Akin on "Under God"
NEW HAMPSHIRE: Asshole pro-life pharmacist
NEW JERSEY: "Four more years"
NEW MEXICO: Zero tolerance school
NEW YORK: Post VP fuckup, RNC protests, iPod-related wankery (2)
NORTH CAROLINA: Zebra Cake violence
OKLAHOMA: James Inhofe
PENNSYLVANIA: Gas protests, Groundhog Day, crazy Easter play, Intelligent design
TENNESSEE: Janet Jackson lawsuit, gay-banning, Ten Commandments tour, Arab-fear (2), eugenics-loving politician, Scopes Monkey Trial
TEXAS: Nudist barge, french fries, Jap Road, Dazed And Confused trial, Heloise, cross-dressing kids
WEST VIRGINIA: Gas protests
WYOMING: Kevin Carr's movie reviews, Alan Simpson
There you have it. Twenty seven down, twenty three to go. Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me, whether it be from Day One, or from last week. You all share the common bonds of boredom and a love of free Net content. Never forget that. And I'll leave you with one last bit of wisdom as we head into 2005.
IT'S NOT A BLOG, FUCKERS! IT'S A COLUMN!
*Not including the entertainment industry. I'd need a bigger map, and it wouldn't be done until fucking March.