Archive - Nov 5, 2004

My Contribution To The New Unity

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Memo to Bush Supporters: I'M HERE TO HELP.

It's blatantly obvious that many of you had no idea what the fuck you were voting for. The sign next to Bush during his victory speech says it all, really. "W 2004". And the date is really just a formality. YOU VOTED FOR A LETTER.

That's how big an isolationist Bush is. His middle initial didn't even bother to get the rest of his NAME on board before it went ahead. That was his campaign slogan. "W". Kerry's campaign slogan, "Safer At Home, Respected In The World" had thirty-two times as many letters, which I think is indicative of why things went down the way they did. Words are hard to listen to and read. People are simply more comfortable with the one letter.

Anyway, since his election, Bush has already started saying some things that you may not completely understand. Worse, you might even make the mistake of thinking you understand them when you don't. That's OK. We at You Are Dumb love to help, and help we will.

In his victory speech, when Bush said, "There is an old saying: Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks," what he meant was "I'm in WAY over my head, and if it weren't for my irrational, borderline-psychotic belief that Magic Beardy Man is spending all his time helping me, I don't know how I'd make it through the day."

This one's kind of a laundry list, so try to keep up. "We will continue our economic progress. We'll reform our outdated tax code. We'll strengthen the Social Security for the next generation. We'll make public schools all they can be. And we will uphold our deepest values of family and faith." That translates to, respectively, "Don't expect us to do better than we did on the money thing", "FLAT TAX, SUCKERS!", "PRIVATIZED, SUCKERS!", "That one we shot up in New Jersey? Just a taste of the new No Child Left Behind sanctions", and "Put a stop to all that ass-fucking once and for all. Maybe with some kind of camp... wait, they like camp."

And when he said "So today I want to speak to every person who voted for my opponent. To make this nation stronger and better, I will need your support and I will work to earn it."

, well, he wasn't speaking to you, was he. So there's no need to point out that he was telling the rest of us to get in line or else.

And in today's prime-time press conference, when he said, "We will preserve -- we'll persevere until the enemy is defeated.", what he actually meant was, "Nope, still can't get those pesky fucking words straight. W! W! W!"

"Our government also needs the very best intelligence, especially in a time of war." translates to "Fuck you. I got re-elected. I can throw all the straight lines at you I want. I ain't gonna run for this again. Go ahead. Make the joke. I don't care. I'll have the National Guard strafe your school too."

"We need to get rid of the needless paperwork that makes our economy -- that -- that is a drag on our economy to make our -- make sure our economy is the most competitive in the world." - "YOU VOTED FOR AN IDIOT. MERRY CHRISTMAS."

"We must show our leadership by strengthening Social Security for our children and our grandchildren. This is more than a problem to be solved; it is an opportunity to help millions of our fellow citizens find security and independence that comes from owning something, from ownership." - "Hey, remember a couple of weeks ago when we said Kerry was trying to scare you, and we weren't going to privatize Social Security, and you believed us? Man, that was funny."

"As a matter of fact, no president should ever try to impose religion on our society." - "You don't have to be a born-again Christian. You can believe whatever you want. Worship whatever you want. Sure, you'll have to follow all the RULES of the born-agains, but you don't have to believe in them."

I hope this helped. But I know it didn't. You know why I know it didn't? Because the motherfucker was saying all these things, and meaning all these things, for the past four years, and when I explained it to you before, you didn't listen either. But I feel better. And that's all that matters.