Archive - Nov 23, 2004

Creationists: The Stupidest People On The Planet (Day Two)

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Memo to Creationists: YOU ARE STILL DUMB.

Welcome to Creationists: The Dumbest People On The Planet Week here at You Are Dumb. Yesterday, we learned in general that creationism is bad, evolution is good, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a literalist idiot who needs to have their Bible shoved so far up their ass they can turn the pages with their uvula.

The gentler among you - and you do exist, the gentle, kind angels in my audience who are quite pleasant to the idiots they meet in their day-to-day lives while secretly enjoying the dark, hateful bile-spewing that is this site's stock in trade - you may, at this point, be thinking to yourselves that perhaps I am being a bit too harsh on people merely because of their faith. Their faith in the idea that, lest we forget, the Earth was created by the Official Christian Beardy around six millenia ago, and that we are all literally descended from Adam and Eve. And while the subsequent massive inbreeding would explain "Desperate Housewives", it just ain't so.

But they believe, and have faith, and for that alone, should they be mocked by some guy with a website? Yes. But if more evidence is required, allow me to turn your collective heads toward Pensacola, Florida. Specifically, Dinosaur Adventure Land.

Dinosaur Adventure Land is a dinosaur-themed attraction run by creationists. Being run by creationists, D.A.L. is run on the premise that since the Earth is only 6,000 years old, dinosaurs walked the Earth with Adam and Eve and stuck around at least until the Great Flood. Think of it as "Six Flags Over A Horrible, Traumatic Brain Injury".

They have a web site. Don't go. Like a brand new induction roller coaster, the DAL website is not intended for people with heart conditions, the easily excitable, and pretty much anyone who can walk past an EEG without the device audibly weeping. I went, so don't let my sacrifice be in vain. See their site as God intended it. THROUGH MY INCREDIBLY JUDGMENTAL EYES.

There is a "Science Fact of the Day". On Sunday, it was that "gold is 19.3 times heavier than water", which I cannot argue with, and is quite impressive for creationists, who, when visiting the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, must have noticed that none of the pirate booty was floating. On Monday, we learned the airspeed velocity of an unladen housefly, which is only useful, really, if you race flies.

There are the "DAL Funnies". According to their site, "THEY'RE FUNNY!". The current DAL Funny is labeled "The Untold Truth About Evolution", and shows five identical pictures of monkeys, and five identical pictures of a black man in business casual. The reader is left to draw their own conclusion - that the people involved with Dinosaur Adventure Land, in addition to being raging creationist fuckwads, are also filthy racists from Deep Pigfuckerland.

There is a video on the Big Bang, which makes up some shit about the Big Bang, then comes to the conclusion that since the shit they made up wasn't true, the universe must have been created by God. I kid you not. They use the conservation of angular momentum on one poorly described version of one of dozens of different models of universal origin to say that because stuff is rotating in different directions after (alleged) billions of years, that all science is poo. They call this an "EXPERIMENT", which it is not. They call "Conservation of Angular Momentum" a "big word" too, which means that they're a bunch of moronic, illiterate racists who CAN'T FUCKING COUNT, EITHER.

They have a trough filled with sand. And a faucet at one end. And you turn on the faucet, and it forms a small trench in the sand. This is intended to demonstrate that the Grand Canyon was in fact created in a matter of moments by Noah's Flood, which carved through a V-shaped chunk of solid Colorado rock, while leaving all the other rock untouched.

There's a Flash cartoon. In the Flash cartoon, promoting a Creationist seminar, the speakers at the seminar, in a cartoon tank, complete their mission to "DESTROY EVOLUTION" by taking a tank and blowing up a building marked "Evolution". The sole resident of the building has a weak, quavery, high-pitched nerd voice, and the sign on the building has a backwards capital "E". This shit makes "Blue Collar TV" seem like "Masterpiece Theater".

These are the people that want to teach your children about science. People who cannot count to four. People who can't even manage a funny fifteen second Flash cartoon. People who claim, in all seriousness, that there have been TRICERATOPS SIGHTINGS "as recently as 500 years ago". These people cannot be trusted to cut their own fucking meat and tie their shoes, and they are being listened to by textbook makers and school boards. If we cannot stop the agenda of people who think dinosaurs were around at the same time as Leonardo Da Fucking Vinci, then we're not gonna stop a flat tax, I'll tell you that much.

TOMORROW: Where We're Losing To These Droolers