Archive - Jan 2004
Super Bowl Ad Whores
29 January, 2004 - 13:14 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to all you Super Bowl advertising whores: YOU ARE DUMB.
Yes, Sunday's the big game. The final showdown. When that one team and that other team will meet on the field of battle to determine which one of them is the best. This year. It's a very exciting time for millions of people who are not me.
And because millions of notmes will have their eyeballs glued to their televisions for three hours or so, the Super Bowl has been a favorite for advertisers, who spend a couple million on airtime to try and convince all of you that they are fine purveyors of products and/or services worthy of your hard-earned dough.
And that's fine.
But in the last few years, something odd has happened. A strange, inappropriate sense of importance has surrounded these ads. The ads have become, somehow, an event in and of themselves. The ads are reported on, viewed, and reviewed by people with no interest in the game themselves. These people are what we at You Are Dumb describe as "utter morons".
They're COMMERCIALS, people. I don't care how much they spend to make them, who shows you their bellybutton, or how much computer power they use to make that bellybutton tell jokes in John Laroquette's voice, they're still advertisements. The same things that interrupt your favorite show, get painted all over the side of your buses, and pop up in front of your Internet porn. Advertisements that the companies are constantly finding new, annoying ways to keep you from ignoring.
But come Super Bowl time, you're all too willing to do their work for them, aren't you.
Already this week, there are dozens upon dozens of newspaper articles previewing the ads. PREVIEWING THE ADS. That an advertisement will be appearing on television is NOT NEWS. Unless it's either the first ad to feature explicit bestiality, or an ad that kills everyone who watches it in seven days, I don't want to hear about it.
Now, if an ad DOESN'T appear, that's news. Like CBS, which won't run an ad critical of the president, because it doesn't run political or message ads during the Super Bowl unless, apparently, they call everyone who smokes pot an America-hating terrorist stooge. But that's probably a different memo.
In fact, I think it's time to introduce the Dumbness Defenestration Punishment Chart, which shows you what floor's window you should throw yourself from if you find yourself contemplating certain DUMB behaviors:
Thanks to this handy graphic, you will know what to do in the event that YOU ARE DUMB.