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Republicans, 22 February 2008

Memo to John McCain: I'M SURE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.

It's been a long week. I'm tired and lazy. And everyone's favorite independent maverick presidential candidate is embroiled in a thick, juicy scandal. Seems that McCain was very, very cozy with a lobbyist back in 2000.

Were they fucking? I don't know. I don't particularly care. I'm going to assume they were, on the grounds that it's funnier that way, and on the grounds that John McCain owes his political career to a manufactured, entirely false image. And having thus lived by that sword, he can damn well enjoy the sharp end of it for a bit.

The damsel in question is Vicki Iseman, a lobbyist for the telecom industry. Let's pause for a second here to point out that, given my assumption, this means that the Maverick was sleeping with the Iseman. Which makes the affair the straight porn version of the gay porn version of Top Gun. Which is especially odd since Top Gun was already the gay porn version of Top Gun.

Now that the story is out there, the denials are flying like swallows to Capistrano, and Republicans have decided that the only thing they hate more than John McCain is the New York Times. But even with the sudden support of Rush Limbaugh, it looks like the Straight Talk Express is driving into a dark tunnel. But that may just be my inner Freudian working overtime.

Ideally, this scandal will do more than give us the mental image of John McCain giving "special interest" to a woman 30 years younger than him. Did he hug her as passionately as he hugged Dubya? That's a pretty high bar. And speaking of high bars, let's just hope there's no congressional hearing where Bob Dole admits to injecting his leftover promotional Viagra into McCain's ass.

Maybe, just maybe, this story will make the media remind the public about known, admitted facts, like McCain cheating on his first wife. Or McCain's role in the Keating Five influence-peddling scandal. You know, the things that magically dropped off his resume as soon as he painted his bus and the media swooned over him.

Maybe this time, he wasn't sleeping around. Maybe this time, he wasn't doing legislative favors for a (fuck)buddy. But he's done both before, even if they've been excised from the Official John McCain Narrative. And I'll be ready with popcorn if the media decides to release a director's cut of The Straight Talk Story, with lots of unrated and deleted scenes.