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Terrorism, 11 February 2008

Memo to e-mailers in Raleigh, North Carolina in general, and Judy Allen in particular: YOU ARE DUMB.

I have to say it again, because PEOPLE DON'T LISTEN. There are a number of hard and fast rules of the universe that have been writ over the course of You Are Dumb Dot Net history, and two of the most important ones are also the two most frequently ignored:

EVERY FORWARDED E-MAIL IS A LIE.

YOU WILL NEVER CATCH A TERRORIST.

These are not difficult rules to remember and understand, people. There is no nuance to work out, no calculations to run in your head. These are simple if-then statements. IF the e-mail you got was forwarded by someone, THEN you can delete it unread, safe in the knowledge that no truth accidentally got dumped in the great bit bucket.

And IF you are an everyday citizen going about your everyday business, THEN that person you're so scared of is also another everyday citizen going about their everyday business, and the only reason you're so fucking jumpy is because you're a xenophobe who's lived eyebrows-deep in a xenophobic culture of fear for a very long time.

Case in point: Raleigh, North Carolina, where an e-mail has been making the rounds about a "terrorist dry run" that took place in a movie theater in January. I swear to fuck, if there were one concept I could wish into the cornfield, removing it from the national consciousness, the "terrorist dry run" would merit serious consideration. The idea behind a dry run is that the filthy Islamojihadists who've infiltrated our nation are engaging in mock terrorism - doing everything a terrorist would do except actually threatening, injuring, hijacking, shooting, or bombing anyone or anything.

Which makes it a perfect fit for paranoid racists. Because even if nothing happens, even if they and their family make it through the flight or the roller coaster ride or the Chuck E. Cheese bathroom break or the movie without getting maimed, blown up, or converted, there's still a chance that those filthy bastards were UP TO SOMETHING. And next time, maybe, it'll be real! Just like on 24!

I mention "movie" in the above paragraph as a clever bit of foreshadowing, because it was in a movie theater in Raleigh, during a screening of "Atonement", that the alleged dry run occurred. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I won't give you the description until later...as she glanced over for a second time, this Person pulled up a brief case, placed it in their lap, and was holding onto it for dear life. This person never glanced over at my friend but kept their Eyes straight ahead, until they received the "buzz" of text message over Their cell phone. This person glanced a at the text message but didn't respond to the message. This person then continued to receive text messages every few minutes. How many people do you know that bring their brief cases to the movie, much less placing them in their laps during the movie and Clutching them? And how many times do you see people get text messages in a movie that don't respond to them? At least to say.."I'm at a movie, leave me alone". Oh by the way...this person that had the brief case was dressed as a Muslim woman. Black cloth covered them from head to toe with only the eyes visible. She could not be sure that this was a woman because only the eyes were showing."

You know what? Maybe we're making a tiny amount of progress. It does seem like the author of the e-mail is aware of the dozens and dozens of paranoid fuckwits who have been called out on being paranoid fuckwits for no other reason than their being constantly wrong about that brown person being a terrorist. After all, look how they took special care to describe the incredibly suspicious behavior in an incredibly suspicious way BEFORE mentioning it was a Muslim woman? Because, you know, I'm sure that was their thought process.

"Hey, isn't that suspicious? She's clutching a briefcase... and texting... we should probably say something. Oh, crap, they'll probably want a description. Hey, I just noticed! She's dressed like a Muslim!" Yeah. Right. By the way, with apologies to the Muslim community, I'm afraid we must add three more things to the Shit You're Not Allowed To Do Without Arousing Suspicion" list: carrying a bag, receiving text messages, and when attending a movie, looking at the screen.

Anyway, the e-mail goes on to warn about "dry runs", mentions that the same thing happened in every other theater at the same time, and of course got passed around like wildfire despite being 94% purest bullshit. Let's run down the claims made by the e-mail and see how they stood up after a police investigation.

Muslim woman visits movie, watches movie, receives text messages during movie: TRUE.

Briefcase: FALSE. It was a purse. Yes, who puts their purse in their lap in a movie?

"Clutching", "Holding on for dear life": PROJECTIONS OF A PARANOID ASSHOLE.

"Eyes straight ahead." I cannot stress this enough. This woman was going to a movie by herself. Where the fuck else was she supposed to be looking? At the dime-a-dozen hick fucks in the row next to her? She paid eight bucks to watch Keira Knightley, not you.

Any other Muslims: FALSE.

How stupid do you have to be to believe an e-mail like this, an e-mail that essentially claims that Al Qaeda is planning to strike 4:30pm weekday matinées in North Carolina? As dumb as Judy Allen, who, according to the Raleigh News-Observer, forwarded the e-mail to a dozen people after hearing about it at a Super Bowl party. I'm including the full paragraph from the paper, because Judy Allen is the kind of mush-brained, stimulus-response, fake "thought" that YAD futilely flails against:

"'It rang true,' said Allen, who passed the message along primarily to members of her Country Club Hills neighborhood's community watch program. 'We just wanted to do our part to protect the community. It's important to keep your eyes open.'"

It rang true. I love that she couldn't even lie to the paper after the fact about the depth of her analysis. And seriously, the COUNTRY CLUB HILLS COMMUNITY WATCH? How these people can somehow be in thrall to stereotypes while simultaneously embodying them is beyond me.

I'm begging you. Stop it. You're always wrong, you're never right, and if you really want to protect the community, become a fucking hermit, because it doesn't matter how open your eyes are when that shrunken lump of cholesterol you call a mind stays closed.