archives

Holidays, 29 October 2007

Memo to USA Today: YOU ARE USEFULLY DUMB.

So, are any of you as balls-numbingly sick of politics as I am? If you're not, I suppose I understand. But I have to keep my wick dipped in the fetid pool of political news because, well, that's where a lot of the stupid makes its home. And after a while, the accumulated mental barnacles of religious fundamentalism, rampant incompetence, cowardice, and just plain evil build up to the point where I need to dock and scrape them off before I head off to see again.

Or, shorter version: FUCK POLITICS.

Which is why I'm turning to the single least political source of news on the entire planet. The Purple. AKA the "Life" section of the USA Today. For decades, The Purple has been the standard-bearer for banality in print journalism. If you don't give a shit about it, and think that nobody else in their right mind SHOULD give a shit about it, then odds are Al Neuharth's lackeys have killed some trees and painted the pulp with it.

For example - were you aware that the endlessly-covered spate of vapid starlet legal troubles in the past year has inspired a small handful of people to make Halloween costumes based on them? Neither was I. But only because it's the kind of thing I wouldn't have even considered devoting a synapse to. Of course people are dressing as Lindsay, Paris, and Britney for Halloween. It's an inevitability.

And people participating in inevitabilities shouldn't think they're clever. Or get attention from national newspapers. Or even get attention from the lazy-ass entertainment sections of lazy-ass, "national" "newspapers" that two and a half decades of sarcastic quotes have never managed to diminish. But there The Purple is, telling us all about cheap and ugly costume tie-ins:

"Channel an imprisoned Paris Hilton by donning blond extensions and stripes — pink and black, of course. (Forget standard-issue jumpsuits: This is a minidress.)"

One of the hard and fast rules of Halloween is this: there are two, and only two, conditions under which it's OK to have a costume you have to explain to the other people at the party. The first is the Obscure Nerd Cred costume, and the second is the Pun Costume. If you have to tell me what the fuck you're dressed as, you'd better inspire a stronger reaction than "Oh. I guess I can see that." or I'm going to have to hurt you.

And I'm sorry, but a pink and black striped minidress with hair extensions does not exactly scream "Paris Hilton" to me. Why not use head-to-toe glowing green makeup and Rick Solomon's penis? Sure, it's less topical, but it shows effort.

But don't worry! The Purple does not limit its tale to the retailers who sell cheap and vague pop culture to hordes of last-minute, I-guess-we'll-go-to-the-party-after-all shoppers. No, they make sure their story has the personal touch. Which is where Manhattan social worker Kyrra Rankine comes in. You see, last year, Kyrra dressed as "pregnant Britney", complete with Britney Spears tour T-Shirt, under the 70's plastic costume principle that putting a picture of who you're supposed to be on your costume is just as good as actually looking like them. So what is Rankine planning for her big encore? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I got so many good responses as just plain pregnant Britney. I just can't leave her. She's given me too much material to work with. Underneath it all, I'm sort of a fan: 'You go girl, work it out. Make it happen for next year, so I can have fancy extensions in my hair or something.'"

This is what I love about The Purple. There are stupid people in this world who do not have blogs. Stupid people who do not post comments to YouTube videos. Stupid people who don't hold high elected office, don't run a megachurch, and aren't Pope. Stupid people who go about their everyday lives in complete obscurity, until a USA Today reporter talks to them, and they decide to tell Britney Spears, by proxy, "You go, girl."

Without USA Today, I would lose track of the fact that these people exist, and yes, they irritate the fuck out of me too. Especially when they talk about using a brunette wig to help them simulate "bald Britney", in a clear act of overt defiance against the very meaning of the word BALD. And that's why it's so important for us to vary our hate diet.