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Terrorism, 4 September 2007

Memo to America: YOU'RE STILL SAFE.

Man, that great war on terror sure is great, isn't it? And it's a war! War's like cake. Everybody likes cake, and everybody likes war. Especially when it's war on terror. Nobody likes terror. Terror is bad. I know because the Howdy Doody-looking motherfucker who apparently runs this country told me so. And terror is being fought. It's being fought over there so that we don't have to fight it over here.

But that doesn't mean we don't have to fight it over here. Vigilant law enforcement officials and members of the public are ferreting out terrorists and stopping their vile plots before they can actually become another 9/11, which as we all know is what the Islamoswarthies have been trying to pull off since 9/11, even though we haven't rebuilt the World Trade Center yet.

For example, crack law enforcement officials in Connecticut, remembering from Miami Vice reruns that white, powdery substances are probably bad, nailed Daniel and Dorothee Sanchow before those enemies of freedom could poison everyone shopping at the New Haven IKEA. With flour. That they use to mark out paths for their running club. In the IKEA parking lot.

Because, let's face it if Al Qaeda got enough anthrax to spread over a parking lot, they'd spread it over one parking lot. In New Haven. And it would definitely be an IKEA parking lot, because what's more American than IKEA?

But, you know. Those were trained professionals, who probably spotted the dastardly wheat on a break from trolling for Swedish toe-tappers in the sparsely-designed IKEA restrooms. For heroism and vigilance, you couldn't match Leigh Robbins in a million years. This Virginia resident singlehandedly foiled a terror plot when she spotted some dudes speaking Arabic in the terminal and going to the bathroom on the plane.

Sure, in the end, those weren't actually terrorists. In fact, in a bonus ironic twist, they were Iraqis on their way to train US Marines. Still, they were swarthy, did have beards, and were speaking Arabic. Can't be too careful. Plus, when notified of her mistake, Robbins was suitably contrite, realized the problem was her perception of foreigners, and did not in any way try to make excuses for what she did. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"He looked so mean, the way he was looking at everyone, it was very frightening, like something out of a movie. It traumatized me. I can't describe how afraid I was... I was still nervous... Maybe I was overreacting. But you think about it everyday. Someone can still get through security. All I wanted was for them to talk to them. All I could think of was 9/11... I do feel very bad but I was just protecting my tiny little family. How can you overreact when it's your children? What if there had been a terrorist attack and I could've done something about it?"

Yes, how can you overreact when it's your children? I'll tell you how. Calling the police on swarthy dudes and making everyone on the plane spend an extra day in Chicago because you fucked up the flight by being suspicious of not just everyday Arab-Americans, but people actually working with the US military. That's how you overreact when it's your children. Mission fucking accomplished.

She even had the balls to say she'd do the exact same thing all over again. Because, you know. Heaven fucking forfend we learn from the dozens of events like this over the years the lesson I've recounted many times before: YOU WILL NOT STOP A TERRORIST ATTACK. You are not Jack Bauer. You are not a hero. You being observant will not stop the next 9/11. You are not the subject of the sequel to "United 93". So sit your ass back down in coach class, buy your headphones, read your SkyMall, and if you want to make sure your children land safe and sound, try to keep them from kicking the back of my seat for the entire trip.