archives

Wingnuts, 8 June 2007

Memo to Dr. Holsinger: OH SHIT, YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE.

Just to give the week some much-needed symmetry, I'm returning to the fascinating case of Dr. James Holsinger, that fucking monkey's pick to be Surgeon General. On Monday, we discovered that not only was Holsinger instrumental in keeping gay people from becoming pastors and church members in the United Methodist Church, but that he helps run Hope Springs, a "recovery ministry" that helps people "recover" from being gay.

So we know he hates the gay. But people hate the gay for all kinds of reasons. Because they think God hates the gay, and they want God to like them. Because they don't want to admit they ARE gay. Because they were raised wrong. So what's Holsinger's excuse? A big clue can be found in a study he authored in 1991 called "Pathophysiology of Male Homosexuality".

That sure do sound all medical and scientific, don't it? I mean, he used a word like "pathophysiology". He must know what he's talking about. He must have lots of solid science and careful study going into this work, because there's no way something called "Pathophysiology of Male Homosexuality" would sound like the ravings of a complete fucking nutjob. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It is absolutely clear that anatomically and physiologically the alimentary and reproductive systems in humans are separate organ systems; i.e., the human does not have a cloaca. Likewise it is clear that even primitive cultures understand the nature of waste elimination, sexual intercourse, and the birth of children. Indeed our own children appear to “intuitively” understand these facts."

Allow me to translate. "Ew. Doody comes out of there. Also, I have a secret desire to fuck a chicken." Apparently, the future Surgeon General of the United States is in favor of basing medical policy on the INTUITIVE UNDERSTANDING OF CHILDREN. Never mind how creepy it is that he's talking about children's intuitive understanding of sexual intercourse and waste elimination. But it gets better.

"The anatomic and physiologic facts of alimentation and reproduction simply do not change based on any cultural setting. In fact, the logical complementarity of the human sexes has been so recognized in our culture that it has entered our vocabulary in the form of naming various pipe fittings either the male fitting or the female fitting depending upon which one interlocks within the other. When the complementarity of the sexes is breached, injuries and diseases may occur as noted above. Therefore, based on the simplest known anatomy and physiology, when dealing with the complementarity of the human sexes, one can simply say, Res ipsa loquitur - the thing speaks for itself!"

You see, the human body is not a truck. It's a series of tubes. And only when the right tubes touch the other right tubes can the sweet water of Jesus flow through us. He's one of THOSE. The plumbing-obsessed homophobe. He's so obsessed with plumbing he used a metaphor about ACTUAL PLUMBING. As far as Holsinger is concerned, God created Adampenis and Evagina, not Adampenis and Stevestinkybutt.

I hate the plumbing-obsessed gay-bashers. Not for the obvious reasons - that they ignore all the straight folk who do the same things with ostensibly wrong parts all the time. And not because they're anally-fixated weirdos who really shouldn't be Surgeon General. I hate them because it's such a specious fucking argument from people who believe that God designed Man.

Here's a thought. If God didn't want people to have anal sex, maybe he should have done more than make it a bit tricky and uncomfortable. In fact, since God hates it when we jerk it, suck it, or stick it in the back door, why the hell are we shaped the way we are? By all rights, we should be going around with tiny Tyrannosaurus Rex arms, a mouth that strains airborne krill*, and a bunghole that secretes Novocain.

The administration, by the way, is standing by their retard. The official line is that the paper was written in 1991, and that's what EVERYONE thought about gay sex back then. You know, in the Dark Ages. Of course, they still carefully avoided the question of whether Dr. Holsinger still believes gay men are flaunting our species cloacalessness for all the world to see. That's a subject best left to the confirmation hearings, where he can lie about them to Congress.

And he will. Because godly types can become enlightened. Closeted gays can come out. Those taught wrong can reject what they were told. But the plumbing-obsessed? They don't change. They're crazy to the bone.

*Obviously, God would also have to create a shitload of airborne krill, but that's what omnipotence is for.